Random Thoughts

The Monster in my head

I have struggled with depression most of my adult life.  The first major episode was after I had my son, I was 20 years old.  I didn’t realize what exactly was going on.  I had no energy at all.  I didn’t want to get dressed, or bathe, or eat, or even go anywhere.  I remember using all my energy I had to take care of my son.  I went to the dr and got a diagnosis and began medication.  

I am thankful that I have times where I don’t feel depressed.  I never feel that I am 100 percent normal though.  I feel like my brain is broken.  I am over sensitive to how people feel.  I am exhausted because I worry about everything.  Constantly trying to please everyone has really taken a tole.  

I am 50 years old now, and I am just tired.  Tired of pushing people away.  Tired of being so exhausted I don’t want to get up.  Tired of people saying they are friends, but they aren’t.  Tired of living in a world where I feel useless and unimportant.  What exactly is the purpose of it all?  

Am I surrounding by sucky people, or is my perception of life wrong?  Are my thought clouded by depression?  Will the sun ever shine again for me?  

I am on my medication, but I am researching shock therapy.  I know it sounds horendous!  In fact, I have always had nightmares at the thought, but from what I have read, it is a very safe option to long term depression.  

I may not have the heart to follow through with it, but at least I can think about it right?  It gives that monster in my head something to dwell on besides life.  

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